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It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

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20100928

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It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine






It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
Yesterday I lost a friend.
Today I found myself.
Yesterday I lost a life.
Today I saved one.
Yesterday I cryied.
Today I laughed.
Yesterday I was afriead.
Today I felt amazed.
Why, are you telling me this?
Because you need to know.
Why?
Becuase you need to.
Oh.


TODAY, WE LOST A LIFE AND SAVED ONE:


READ THIS!


Today we lost a life and saved one. I lost my life and then saved it with the help of one person that started it all.

This is something that you all need to know. Something that at first I never wanted to admit. Now after I tell you this I can live again. The only thing that was stopping me before was myself and how I felt. I can't change that but, I can fix it and jump back into the game with both feet planted on the ground. One day I might look back at this past year and laugh. But I don't think so. The past year, was hard. I was depressed and hurting, and I didn't feel like I had anyone to goto. But that was my fear talking. I was scared out of my mind because I didn't know what to do. Kill myself? Or live? Take my life and watch as the color fade? Or watch as the colors get brighter? These are the things that I didn't know. Things that I didn't want to think about. But the last two day's. They have been a eye opener. A big one, one that I can never let go. I need to rember what life is about. And that is what this gave me. One thing after another, just made me relize that one day it would all be gone and I didn't want to miss that for anything. I didn't want to loose any time and I wanted to live like I never have before. It's not like I had the gun to my head and was about to pull the trigger, it was more of myself killing me. The gun it was inside my head and I couldn't get it out. And there was nothing that I could do to stop it. For months I was depressed. I hide it, for a long time. I didn't let people at school see it, and I didn't let my friends see it and most of all I didn't let me see it. That's what was wrong, I didn't want to admit that I was going off the deep end with the insults and my own insults. I never ever thought that I was good enough for anything. Because I let what one person said shot me down, and I didn't get back up. I just lay there. And now I look back and I see someone who wasn't ready to stand up on her own to feet. I saw this girl lay down and take it all in, with out ever looking back out at the light, the fun and her life. This girl was me, and in some part of me always will be. But now I need to tell you how I put that gun back down and let it stay there. I am never going to pick it back up, but me I will pick myself up and whip the dust off as many times that I need to. There is nothing that I can change about what happend and I don't want to. I want people to know that they are the best things to ever happen to anyone, and that no matter what people say we are special. And nothing will ever change that inless we let it. We let people knock us down and most of us we get back up and are back out there, but then the people that are left dehind we stay there. And it hurts, to think that you have no one to go to. When in fact we have everone to go to. You could ta;l to your naberhood Hobo and that would help you could talk to your best friend and that would help. That is why I didn't, I relaly didn't think that I needed help. But I did and when I see what I did to myself and the people around me it hurt worse then anything has ever have. And now that I told you how I felt. I am going to tell you what made me open my eyes and see what I had done and the things that I needed to change.

So here I go,

Yesterday was one of my top ten worst day's of my life.
Nice right?
Nope.
It started off good. Nothing went wrong.
I did the dishes, cleaned the liveing room and sang along to the best songs.
But then I got on the computer and saw something that hurt me. Not feeling wise, but like I got hit in the gut with a football type of thing.
It was a post one Facebook, from my best friend, Britney*.
It said that only three people could help her with this problem that she had.
And it was hurtfull becuase here I am her best friend for more then four years and she put someone on there that she has only known for two. And that hurt. So all I say is that "I feel so loved." and the people that should know me would have relized that I was kidding, but she took it the wrong way and said something that made the football feeling come in. *nod* It was about this site that her and I had made. I didn't so something that she though she should get. When Britney is never on, but A.J* is always on and she got it. But hey, I was going to try and smooth it out. Just like I always do, and fix it so that nothing happend. That's what I do buy the way. I fix what she call's the things that I screw up. When it is almost all the time both of are faults. *nod* So I IMed her and we started talking about and again I messed it up. And I said something that said I needed my best friend to talk to about something that was really important to me. And it also had to do with the gun inside my head. But she kept blowing me off and acting like how I felt and her other best friend felt was nothing compared to how she felt and what she needed. And that's what came out at me the most was that how A.J* and I felt didn't matter to her once she got what she wanted. She got this guy that we are all friends with and he is pretty cool, but then she said that I wasn't happy with it. And she was kinda right.(But that you don't need to know) But for the most part I was glad that she had found someone that liked her and it looked like nothing would go wrong with it this time. And I was gald. But her mom said that I was upset that I was to late to get him, and that I should have asked him out over the summer if I wanted to go out with him. And I don't even like him. I think the one time that I did like him was the frist mouth of 6th grade and that was it. I love him to death as a brother and my best friend. And that's it. She sould have known that. And then to round it all off(there is still more but this is what made me relize that I couldn't and wouldn't be her friend anymore) was that she said "But seriously, do u feel like that? bc u dont need to... plenty of other fish in the sea:)" and that was what made me mad the most becuase the most hurtfull thing that she has almost eversaid to me was last Friday I have this lockit that has the name of the person that I like inside it. And my friends were all trying to guess who was inside it, and Isha he said "Colin*" and all she said was "Euhh not her." and that went right along with it, but like all great friends she didn't even rember that she said that. And all togther we got in this huge fight and she asked me to stop beeing her boyfriend's friend. I said "Fine, but I am not friends with you either. Happy?"
And I didn't feel anything. I had just lost a friend that I had had for four years and I didn't feel a thing. But I knew that know I wouldn't have to hear "That's so stupied." or "You are so stupied." and other things. I wouldn't have to deal with hateing myself because I felt like I was a loser because I thought that ever one felt that way about me. But that wasn't true everbody that I know thinks that I am smart cute and a really fun person to be around. The way that she made me feel made me think that everone felt that way. And I let her do that to me. She kicked me off of the table that we sit at and she probley thought that I didn't have anyone to sit by. But FYI EVEN WITH HOW I FELT AND WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING, I had made more friends then I couldn't even name. I have friends at ever table and that made me open my eyes to. And helped me get ride of that gun inside of me. I relized that if I killed myself I would hurt so many people. My mom, dad, step dad, A.J* and a lot of other people. I never thought about them when I thought about what would happen if I killed myself. I just never thought it through. Never. And that was what made the gun finally go away. I had thing's to live for, people to live for and most of all I had myself to live for. I needed to stay alive so I could do all the things that I want to do. Go to Paris, get my law dagree and so many other things. I had something to live for. And that had never changed I guess I just had to look. It hurt's that I had to loose two friends to see that I am special and that I needed to live. love and have fun. And if anyone tells me that this was a wast of time, I know that I helped at least one person. I know it and I love it. And I thank God that I am still here that I didn't let that gun go off inside of me and I am thankfull that I have people that care for me and care what happens to me. I care so much that a text at ONE in the morning made me cry. It was just something as smiple as saying that I had more then one friend and that she would always be there. So I hope that this helped you in some small way, and made you relize that life is important to everbody and everthing.

And I have one more thing to add. Today someone asked me if I hated Britney*. My answer was simple and fast. "No." the asked why and again it was fast and simple, "She saved me with out knowing it, and hating only hates the hater and not the hated." they were surprised that I wouldn't hate her after what she had done and what she had said, but all I said is, "I could never hate her, she saved me and I will love her for what she did and that's it. We were friends and we were close. And that's over that chapter of my life it's over and done with I have to look forword and look and new and exting things." and then I walked away. So rember that Hateing only hurts the hater and not the hated, and if you have that gun inside of you head someone is there to help you get through it and you need to talk to some one about it before you loose control of that trigger.

~Love Mioko

*Name's changed to protcet the person

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